If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer
the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to
your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's,
father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be
2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on
a piece of paper.
a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen
to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write
down a name and check off a few boxes
b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy
and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that
he/she will be called back at the callee's first free moment,
the callee will telepathically be aware of this
3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse
other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait
for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).
4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever
you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes
in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just
because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate
you to be big enough to clean it up.
5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower,
be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should
be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas
station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take
a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves
for work early and you have to take the bus.
6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights
on at all times--we are paying for the apartment, and there
is no need to conserve energy--let other less important
people do that.
7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is
in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you
go to remove it. It's important that they know you are going
to make a phone call to your dog!
8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as
rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won't
call back and bother you again--how dare they interrupt
whatever it is that you are not doing!
9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate
won't do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not
born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level
especially when you are a princess?
10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel
free to ride with her, but don't bother to offer her any
money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is free for all
11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on
the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don't clean out your
brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want
to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime
they go to the bathroom.
12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy
because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled
in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone
likes to watch it develop through its stages.
13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen.
Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the
taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the
entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate
questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing
about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.
14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't
ask you to feed them when she leaves town--then don't bother
wasting your time feeding them. They're only fish, and they
probably won't need to eat anyway.
15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't
have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's
from her room. She won't mind if you leave it, or any of
her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why
should you have to put it away??!!??
16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave
it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week
or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want to use her
17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and
you feel like cooking for someone else--you should definitely
take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure
that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.
18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over
and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to
give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and
give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store
and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them
that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly
neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for
giving it to them.
19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New
York with her because she knows that you have never been
there, be sure to do the following:
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you
around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what
a rotten time that you had