Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big
fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it
in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the
names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your
roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be
a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss
whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines
and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct
in 10 seconds."
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to
keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that
you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class
really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions
created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the
paper, write about that.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of
what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture
is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your
computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't
retrieve the original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of
the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor
and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it
contains sensitive military information and is only available
on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General
Schwarzkopf says you should get an "A."
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill.
Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the
teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten
the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn
the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin
lives in Siberia, so it may be a little late.
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe
for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because
one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet
and he won't see you until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper.
Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street
and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines
on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When
questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual.
After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing
in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating
the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies
that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks
from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted
several different perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all
over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic
was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't
possibly express what you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk
and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet,
and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that
you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the
gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount
of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are
quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking
in tongues at the time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if
it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were
mobbed by crows on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the
text overlapping. Say that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller
Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes
great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken
the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers' reactions
to Spuds Mackenzie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, never-ending sentence that
goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons,
commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks
[(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never
ever end the sentence.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper.
Cite the picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving
the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a
paper!" Run around the class a few times, then joyfully
throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my
paper," then run outside to get it.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked
to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags,
then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated
things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino
activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that
the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified
41. Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames.
For example, call George Washington "Georgie".
Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type
w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel,
rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw
the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you
wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology