FARMER ANSWERS TAX DEMAND
is text from an actual letter received by the Revenue Commissioners
at Co. Longford, Ireland, from a farmer in reply to a final
income tax demand.
letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would
have given my son and myself pleasure had it not revived
in us a melancholy reflection of thought the account could
have been settled long ago, and you could not understand
why it hadn't. Well, here is the reason.
1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought
a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on
1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not
a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium
lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other
one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.
1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he
tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got
my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop
him becoming one of my relatives.
1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and
he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year
I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned,
drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch
who was by now wearing his sister's make-up and dresses.
Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish
priest. They are now married and trying for children.
1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and
left me with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get
a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I
had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for
more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment
so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought
the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels
through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself,
and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off
the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking
knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying
to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses.
next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull,
poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed
and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left
was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch
and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.
year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase)
a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the
Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second
wife got VD from a land inspector and my last surviving
son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had
put down for dogs who were worrying my sheep.
surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble
if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed
I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out
of me will be like trying to butter a hedgehog's hole backwards
with a knitting needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat shit
to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the
bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
for more credit,