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  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  • It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  • Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  • A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

  • Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

  • How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

  • A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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