guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"How do most men define marriage ?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free."
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the
wedding ring, and the suffering."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury." - George Burns.
"Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood,
and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is
probably greater in marriage than in prostitution."
- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once."
"Bachelors know more about women than married men.
If they didn't, they be married too." - H. L. Mencken.
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing
for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying
a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us
advice on how to work out our problems." - Matt Sullivan.
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see
what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've
got to buy two separate books." - Alan King.
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and
his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus.
"It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife
!" - Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who
had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.
"Where there is marriage without love, there will be
love without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you
take it out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin
"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first
the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal
with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.
"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that
they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions,
yet always punishing anyone who comes between them."
- Sydney Smith.
"Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have
to hear about all the men she could have married... and
she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked."
"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month,
but I know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney
"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two
hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." -
"Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman
A: The wedding cake."
"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other
50% end in death."
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better"
- Bumper sticker.
"Many men owe their success to their first wife...
and their second wife to their success!" - Jim Backus.
"Terrorism? I don't give a fuck: I've been married
2 years." - Sam Kinison.
"I think that men who have a pierced ear are better
prepared to be married: they are already acquainted with
pain and have already bought jewels." - Rita Rudner.
"If your really want your spouse to listen to you,
talk in your sleep..."
"Marriage is the only war when you sleep with the enemy."
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience..."
"During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter
in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second
year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the
end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what's