Dear
_______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware,
the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine
taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to
it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something
I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date
has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little
tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested
in me for something other than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you
20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than
one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have way too
much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT
into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far
too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe
of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead
me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17
vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business
trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next
time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
