WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN
Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something
that is going to make "housework" easier. For
instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those
mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck
the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only
wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle.
(Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least
sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that
large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This
Windex should last you a while." "I got a good
deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner."
All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that
if you would have at least stopped and thought about what
would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the
sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices,
or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a
weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your
collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for
her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of
the new drill I bought you." By then she will have
put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into
the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept
such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't
be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet
pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney
cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that
you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take
out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria
Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de
Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit,
or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume,
spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home
Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she
is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and
tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.)
Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of
diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how
we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing
at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off
to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one
minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps
you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe
me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back
tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell
would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for
bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with
stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks
just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that
that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white
after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or
Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially
the ones who have learned the correct response to "do
these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the
poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift
like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
(Although that may be something you would actually look
forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale
dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream,
or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons
for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just
may stand up in court of law.