is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name,
and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to
be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the
six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell
my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose
around your neck?
Send this to 5 bright women you know and make their day!