seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at
a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd
return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he
laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going
to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor,"
she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor,
"Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher
remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we
have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you
switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found
that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants
don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some
things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk,
of course, the other three are not real.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially
hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure
do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for