the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the
entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick
the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo,
with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over
climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou
Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends..."
song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the
bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no,
wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie
parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener
it was a "real hoot".
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the
big one comes".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies'
"Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head
like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory
of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian
name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see
if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster
speed is necessary because of your "superior mental
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky
wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front
Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action
in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.