CONFUCIUS SAYS

• Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
  
• Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
  
• Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
  
• Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.
  
• Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.
  
• Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
  
• Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
  
• He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.
  
• Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
  
• Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
  
• Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
  
• Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
  
• Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
  
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  
• Man who sit on tack get point.
  
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
  
• Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
  
• Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.
  
• Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
  
• Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
  
• Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
  
• Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
  
• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
  
• Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
  
• Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
  
• Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
  
• Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
  
• A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.
  
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
  
• Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
  
• Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
  
• Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
  
• Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
  
• Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
  
• Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
  
• Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
  
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
  
• Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
  
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
  
• Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
  
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  
• Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
  
• Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
  
• Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.
  
• Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
  
• Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
  
• Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
  
• Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
  
• Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
  
• Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
  
• Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
  
• Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
  
• America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
  
• It take square ass to shit a brick.
  
• To make egg roll, push it.
  
• To prevent hangover stay drunk!
  
• Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
  
• Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
  
• Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
  
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
  
• Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
  
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  
• He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
  
• Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
  
• War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
  
• Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
  
• Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.
  
• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
  
• Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
  
• Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
  
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  
• Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
  
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  
• Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.
  
• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
  
• Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
  
• Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
  
• Modern house without toilet uncanny.
  
• It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
  
• Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
  
• Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
  
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
  
• Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
  
• Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
  
• Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
  
• Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
  
• Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
  
• Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
  
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
  
• Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
  
• Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
  
• Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.
  
• Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.
  
• Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.
  
• Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
  
• Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
  
• He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.
  
• People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.