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ANDY
ROONEY
Andy
Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Gee, for forty-thousand bucks apiece,
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should
give free room and board to criminals. I think they should
have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest
in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
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Andy Rooney On Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing,
then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake
up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake
up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can
he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because
we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.
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Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that
say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call
up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
" Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone." Says into phone "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs
up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to
say "I'm not in the mood."
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Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes
you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
birthday.
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Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is: 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking
of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing
the love."
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