Are
you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have
no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven
methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could
be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse
your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over
your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just
fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence
suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or
mental imaging help to reduce stress. Be a man! That goes
for women too.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends
who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself
with friendships only if you have time, and you never have
time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend,
avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal
attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for
help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and
be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding
yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities
every day than you can possibly get done and then worry
about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always
produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock
market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know,
all the big issues.
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
