Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't
that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler
as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of
Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia,
where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything,
just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather
line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov
rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout,
fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine
Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances,
send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't
seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin
around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection,
so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually
get the Mohammed Rafi.
Mine his bathroom.
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures.
Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and
whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick
his ass every day for eternity".
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin
Laden".
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but
that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much
prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing
a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and
shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've
ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them
down.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention
that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead
into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough
shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity,
filled with people of every race, religion, and background,
including millions of women strong enough to knock the
crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public
executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater
Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking
Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just
think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television
shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's
having a baby on Friends.
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their
burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modelling.
Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger
missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard
and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie".
If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan,
give him a "swirlie".*
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the
thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties
are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with
your friends Saul and Ivan.
