YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...

• You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
  
• You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
  
• You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  
• You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
  
• You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
  
• You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
  
• You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
  
• You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
  
• You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
  
• You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
  
• You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
  
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
  
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
  
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
  
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
  
• You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
  
• You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
  
• You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
  
• You've ever called education a luxury.
  
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
  
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
  
• You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
  
• You're afraid of the "liberal media."
  
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
  
• You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
  
• You think all artists are gay.
  
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
  
• You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes