LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George
W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent
Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice.
The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the
beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively
ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good
boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin,
Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus
to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking
activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without
amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty,
and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious.
How many more times does he need to check? This checking,
checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop
now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed
an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list,
filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone
knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering,
and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up
there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad,"
said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em
she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued
a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call
on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your
list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand
closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter
has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest
development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida
to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush"
is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and
sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself
said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the
pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for
days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling
A weary nation can relate.