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Humorous quotations from Mark Twain, Lyndon Johnson, Groucho Marx, W.C. Fields

Business and Finance

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)

Mark Twain

Pennies don't fall from heaven. They have to be earned on earth. (Margaret Thatcher)

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. (Janis Joplin)

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. (Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. (Sam Goldwyn)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train. (Robert Lowell)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

There are three easy ways of losing money - racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain. (Lord Amherst)

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. (Paul Getty)

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender. (Kay Ingram)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Groucho Marx)

Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

Children and Parents

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you. (Philip Larkin)

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)

I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. (W.C. Fields)

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers. (Socrates)

I like children - fried. (W.C. Fields)

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. (Groucho Marx)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. (Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)

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