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Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland - rich and
thick. (Samuel Beckett)
Cauliflower
is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
Don't
let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
I
won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.
We used to write essays like 'What I'm going to be if I
grow up.' (Lenny Bruce)
In
our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the
way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. (Emo
Philips)
Food
Ice-cream
is exquisite - what a pity it isn't illegal. (Voltaire)
Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
I
just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27.
(Clement Atlee)
There's
no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)
Funerals
They
say such nice things about people at their funerals that
it makes me sad to realise that I'm going to miss mine by
just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)
Insults
Nancy
Astor (to Winston Churchill): If I were your wife I would
put poison in your coffee!
Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it.
Bessie
Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be
sober.
If
Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune;
and if anybody pulled him out, that I suppose would be a
calamity. (Benjamin Disraeli)
Last
week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish
to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)
I
never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make
an exception. (Groucho Marx)
Lawyers
The
first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers. (William Shakeapeare)
The
only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers
merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
(Anton Chekhov)
It's
not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people
who aren't. (Arthur Gore)
Only
one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any
copyright law on the planet. (Mark Twain)
Literature
A
classic is something that everybody wants to have read and
nobody wants to read. (Mark Twain)
Shakespeare
said pretty well everything and what he left out, James
Joyce, with a judge from meself, put in. (Brendan Behan)
Paradise
Lost is a book that, once put down, is very hard to pick
up again. (Samuel Johnson)
God
created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish that
left and made three critics. (T.J. Thomas)
Message?
What the hell do you think I am, a bloody postman? (Brendan
Behan, asked what was the message in one of his plays)
Funny
quotes Pages
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