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Humorous quotations from George Bernard Shaw, Shakespeare, Brendan Behan


He who can does - he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)

George Bernard Shaw

Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland - rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm going to be if I grow up.' (Lenny Bruce)

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)


Ice-cream is exquisite - what a pity it isn't illegal. (Voltaire)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27. (Clement Atlee)

There's no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)


They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realise that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)


Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill): If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!
Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it.

Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune; and if anybody pulled him out, that I suppose would be a calamity. (Benjamin Disraeli)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Groucho Marx)


The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers. (William Shakeapeare)

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)

It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't. (Arthur Gore)

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. (Mark Twain)


A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. (Mark Twain)

Shakespeare said pretty well everything and what he left out, James Joyce, with a judge from meself, put in. (Brendan Behan)

Paradise Lost is a book that, once put down, is very hard to pick up again. (Samuel Johnson)

God created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish that left and made three critics. (T.J. Thomas)

Message? What the hell do you think I am, a bloody postman? (Brendan Behan, asked what was the message in one of his plays)

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