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FUNNY QUOTES...4

Humorous quotations from Mae West, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Groucho Marx

Love, Sex, Men vs Women

It's not the men in my life that counts - it's the life in my men. (Mae West)

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)


Mae West


It's better to be looked over than overlooked. (Mae West)

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for
an institution yet. (Mae West)      

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)

Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet. (St. Augustine)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. (Ambrose Bierce)

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. (Mae West)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. (Rudyard Kipling)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. (Groucho Marx)

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. (George Bernard Shaw)

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. (George Bernard Shaw)

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. (Bill Vaughan)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad. (Helen Rowland)

When you see what some women marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living. (Helen Rowland)

I married beneath me, all women do. (Nancy Astor)

The state has no place in the nation's bedrooms. (Pierre Trudeau)

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. (Alfred Kinsey)

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

You mean apart from my own. (Zsa Zsa Gabor, asked how many husbands she had had)

Funny quotes Pages 1 2 3 4 5 6 7


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