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Humorous quotations from Winston Churchill, George Bernard Shaw, Harry Truman, Richard Nixon


News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising. (Lord Northcliffe)

You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. (Joseph E. Levine)

Groucho Marx

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)

There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary. (Brendan Behan)

I don't care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right. (George M. Cohan)

In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes. (Andy Warhol)

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. (Claud Cockburn, winning entry for a dullest headline competition at the Times)

Medicine and Health

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it: if you are sick you should not take it. (Henry Ford)

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)

Either this man is dead or my watch is stopped. (Groucho Marx)

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. (Spike Milligan)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

Politics and War

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. (George Bernard Shaw)

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. (George Bernard Shaw)

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Power is the great aphrodisiac. (Henry Kissinger)

Politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. (Charles de Gaulle)

Big Brother is watching you. (George Orwell)

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. (George Orwell)

What's wrong with being a boring kind of guy? (George Bush)

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against. (W.C. Fields)

The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination. (Voltaire)

When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal. (Richard Nixon)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)

You won't have Nixon to kick around any more because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. (Richard Nixon, after losing election for Governor of California)

There can be no whitewash at the White House. (Richard Nixon, on Watergate)

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. (George Orwell)

A week is a long time in politics. (Harold Wilson)

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. (Harry S. Truman)

The buck stops here (Harry S. Truman)

Political language…is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. (George Orwell)

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. (Ronald Reagan)

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. (Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test)

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me. (Duke of Wellington)

Another such victory and we are undone. (Pyrrhus)

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. (John Wayne)

Better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in. (Lynden B. Johnson, of J. Edgar Hoover)

I want his pecker in my pocket. (Lyndon B. Johnson, discussing prospective assistant)

The war has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage. (Emperor Hirohito, announcing Japan's surrender after atom bombs destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki)

Like being savaged by a dead sheep. (Denis Healey, when criticised by Geoffrey Howe in House of Commons)

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging! (Denis Healey)

Politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. (Charles de Gaulle)

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war. (Winston Churchill)

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. (Aneurin Bevan)

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. (Mark Twain)

All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. (Groucho Marx)

It's a funny old world. (Margaret Thatcher)

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