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FUNNY QUOTES...6 

Humorous quotations from W.B. Yeats, Albert Einstein, Rudyard Kipling

Religion

Some people say there is a God; others say there is no
God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
(W.B. Yeats)


A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short
enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover
the essentials. (Ronald Knox)

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. (Bob Hope)

Thank God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice. (Albert Einstein)

Relations

A lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their
cousins. (Jane Howard)

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Science, Technology

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. (Charles D. Warner)

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. (Benjamin Disraeli)

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. (Desmond Morris)

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. (Paul Ehrlich)

All the modern inconveniences ... (Mark Twain)

This is the greatest week in the history of the world since the creation. (Richard Nixon's overstatement on man's first moon landing July 24 1969)

Social Behaviour

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're going to meet them all coming down. (Jimmy Durante)

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. (Harry S. Truman)

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' he's not honest. (Groucho Marx)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. (Mark Twain)

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. (Mae West)

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. (Mae West)

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. (Mark Twain)

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)

Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. (Mark Twain)

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)

Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others." (Groucho Marx)

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. (Mark Twain)

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. (Hugh Leonard)

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. (Mark Twain)

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' (Tom Lehrer)

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. (Mark Twain)

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs. (Rudyard Kipling)

Funny quotes Pages 1 2 3 4 5 6 7


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