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Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
(Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)
People
ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
Youth
would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
The
secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly
and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
There
are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking
wonderful.' (Francis Spellman)
I
don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
Alcohol
A
pint of plain is your only man. (Flann O'Brien)
I
am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without
touching a drop. (Noel Coward)
I
drink therefore I am (W.C. Fields)
A
woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy
to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I
feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the
morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.
(Frank Sinatra)
I
never drink water, fish fuck in it. (W.C. Fields)
It
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)
Anniversaries
What
ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating
of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. (Mark
Twain)
Art,
Music
God
is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe,
the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just
goes on trying other things. (Pablo Picasso)
If
it sells, it's art. (Frank Lloyd)
All
the arts in America are a gigantic racket run by unscrupulous
men for unhealthy women. (Thomas Beecham)
There
is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman
thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. (Salvador Dali)
Hell
is full of musical amateurs. (George Bernard Shaw)
You
just pick up a chord, go twang, and you're got music. (Sid
Vicious)
Wagner's
music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain)
Funny
quotes Pages
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