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Humorous quotations from George Burns, W.C. Fields, Mark Twain, Sid Vicious, Bob Hope.


I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

George Burns

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

There are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking wonderful.' (Francis Spellman)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)


A pint of plain is your only man. (Flann O'Brien)

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. (Noel Coward)

I drink therefore I am (W.C. Fields)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)

I never drink water, fish fuck in it. (W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)


What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. (Mark Twain)

Art, Music

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just goes on trying other things. (Pablo Picasso)

If it sells, it's art. (Frank Lloyd)

All the arts in America are a gigantic racket run by unscrupulous men for unhealthy women. (Thomas Beecham)

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. (Salvador Dali)

Hell is full of musical amateurs. (George Bernard Shaw)

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you're got music. (Sid Vicious)

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain)

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