"I
didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no
way you can prove anything!"
"
Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!"
"Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub."
"Don't
have a cow, man."
"Cool,
I broke his brain!"
"Ladies
and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've
just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are
no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with
the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World
War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn
more about war, there's lots of books in your local library,
many of them with cool, gory pictures."
"What
if you're a really good person, but you get into a really,
really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has
to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"
"Well,
you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."
"All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale."
"No,
he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes
I am.
"I
can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from
a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an
idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress."
"Christmas
is a time when people of all religions come together to
worship Jesus Christ."
"There's
no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made
up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
"Dad,
thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes
ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're
we laughing about?"
"What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?
Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite
make it."
"I
don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why
I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"
"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are
singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my
understanding."
"Remember,
you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."
"I
am through with working. Working is for chumps."
"It's
just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more
time raising us than you have."
"Cross
you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam
a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!"
MARGE
SIMPSON HUMOR
"Homer,
you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, you're driving
a stake through the hearts of those who love you."
"Do
you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,
or a sleazy male stripper?"
"Bart,
stop pestering Satan!"
LISA
SIMPSON HUMOR
"Oh
no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican."
"Mom,
romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover
by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece
by piece."
"It's
naive to think you can change a person--except maybe that
boy who works in the library."
"Science
has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and
Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!"
"It's
not our fault our generation has short attention spans,
Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV."
"Dad,
is it all right to take things from people you don't like?"
How Do You Decide Who To Marry
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
