I took a speed reading
course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about
(Quote and Unquote)
the money and run.
only God would give me some clear
sign! Like making a large deposit in my name
at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
bisexuality: It immediately
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
(New York Times)
recently turned sixty.
Practically a third of my life is over.
(Sayings of the Week, Observer)
had a terrible education.
I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
good thing about being poor
is that when you are seventy your children will not have
declared you legally insane in order to gain control of
baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks
like Edward G. Robinson.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the
universe when it's so hard to find your way around
can I believe in God
when justlast week I got my tongue caught in the roller
of an electric typewriter?
sold the memoirs of my sex life
to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out
my wife was immature.
I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
there is reincarnation,
I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
only time my wife and I had a simultaneous
orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce
do not believe in an after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
you want to make God laugh,
tell him your future plans.
you're not failing every
now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very
are two types of people in this world: good
and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem
to enjoy the waking hours much more .
than any time in history mankind
faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair
and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let
us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
if everything is an illusion
and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid
for my carpet.
according to modern astronomers, space
is finite. This is a very comforting thought
- particularly for people who can never remember where they
have left things.
of all statistics are
ruin a good story with
is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about
the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
is impossible to travel faster than
light and certainly not desirable, as one's hat
keeps blowing off...
failed to make the chess team
because of my height.
between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between
5, it's fantastic.
very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
don't think my parents
liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Allen quotes Pages