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Woody Allen humorous quotes...2

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Death is an acquired trait.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I
want to achieve it through not dying.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)


I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
(Quote and Unquote)

Take the money and run.
(Film title)

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
(New York Times)

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
(Sayings of the Week, Observer)

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when justlast week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more .

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

It is impossible to travel faster than light and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off...

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it's fantastic.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Woody Allen quotes Pages 1 2


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