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Woody Allen funny quotes...1

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
(Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex)

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
(Annie Hall)

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
(Annie Hall)

Sex without love
is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
(Annie Hall)

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
(Love and Death)

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
(Play it Again Sam)

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

My brain - it's my second favorite organ.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
(New Yorker, 'My Philosophy')

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
(Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
(The Early Essays)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
(The Early Essays)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
(Woody Allen Volume Two)

I am at two with nature.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him 'be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Woody Allen quotes Pages 1 2

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