For
Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great
shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high
school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try
it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya,
who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic
I was to get started.
Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart
my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough
to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club
and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess,
with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high,
but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of
hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics
class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though
my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the
whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I
made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy
iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth
it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try
to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did
the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention
of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make
me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full
snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took
me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift
dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until
she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me
try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit
her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work
on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't
hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility
for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.
The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which
hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where
I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched
eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like
free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
